Sweet Sacrifice

I have always had a deep affinity with Hannah from the Old Testament, the prophet Samuels mother. Not simply because she was an amazingly faithful woman of God who loved him, trusted him beyond her circumstances, and had her steadfast hope in him no matter what, but I found I was able to relate with her on our journey of trying to fall pregnant with our now 11 month old son, Hugo James. I'm not certain how many years she tried to conceive before she had the joyful gift of giving birth to Samuel, but she certainly endured a lot in that time. For my husband Gavin and I, it was a four year journey of pain, triumph, disappointment, hope, faith and ultimately joy and gratitude that is absolutely beyond description. Even to this very moment, not a day goes by where I don't look at Hugo and thank God for the divine gift that he is in our life. Gav and I regularly just look at one another in amazement and say "I can't believe he's ours!" We prayed for him for so long, endured so much heartache, had thousands of conversations about him, watched as people around us had babies (sometimes numerous babies within the time we were trying!) and yet here we are today with our very own gift from heaven! It NEVER ceases to amaze us. We NEVER take him for granted. And we are continually, day by day, in awe of our amazing God.A few days after the birth of Hugo in May last year, after the loving chaos of excited family and friends visiting had died down and we finally had a moment to ourselves as a new little family, we sat on the bed together, Hugo feeding at my breast and Gav next to me playing with his tiny newborn hands. Gav looked at me and said "This is it. THIS is the manifestation of our faith. I am touching and holding and stroking the living, breathing grace of God!" It was such a powerful moment for us as we sat there in awe of the love of God, his faithfulness and trustworthiness and ultimately his goodness. We had experienced a four year journey of cycles of hope, loss, pain, grief, desperation, yet joy and faith, and what I can ultimately draw from that experience is that GOD IS GOOD! But that's a whole other blog in itself.Back to Hannah. So the book of 1 Samuel doesn't tell us exactly how long she was trying to conceive, but we know it was years, as her husband's other wife went on to produce numerous children during that time. Not only did poor Hannah have to endure the heartache of watching people around her bear children (and trust me, I know what that heartache feels like!), but Elkanah's other wife, Peninnah, had no compassion for Hannah whatsoever and would taunt and tease her for her barrenness. Can you imagine? The one thing your heart so desperately longs for that remains an emptiness in your arms, and someone so close to you has the audacity to rub it in your face and increase your pain and grief? Wow. Yet Hannah remained such a pure and faithful woman of God, holding on to the knowledge of his goodness and kept her hope and faith in him. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine Hannah responded to Peninnah's taunts with grace and dignity. We can be certain it upset her because it says she was reduced to tears and her heart was so full of sorrow that she would not eat (1 Sam 1:7-8). Hannah was most definitely affected by it. Yet she never retaliated. Instead, she used what the enemy intended for harm and drew her strength from God.Hannah was feeling incredibly depressed, not just because of her situation of being unable to conceive, but Penninah's nasty actions towards her also. Remember, she was a real woman. She felt pain, she felt discouragement, she felt hurt by those around her. Her heart and soul and spirit most definitely felt the repercussions of her desolate and seemingly destitute circumstance of barrenness. She was a real woman who we can all relate to in some way.Hannah could have sat and dwelt in misery and self pity. She could have played the victim 'woe is me' and rightfully so. Her circumstances were pretty dire and depressing. Yet, "in deep anguish, crying bitterly, she prayed to the Lord" (1 Sam 1:10). How many of us need to take a page out of her book?! It is so easy to get down upon ourselves when circumstances around us are bleak and desperate. And I'm not just talking about a bad day. I'm talking about YEARS of discouragement, depression and hopeless outlooks. But Hannah didn't give in to the self-pity. She didn't accept the reality around her. Her hope was in God. Her trust was in God. Her faith was in God. Instead, she rose up and strengthened herself in the Lord. She rose above her circumstances and what reality was telling her, and she took hold of the HOPE that she had in God and she activated her FAITH through prayer and declaration.This is where Hannah's story really starts to affect my heart, and to be honest, challenge my faith! Not only did she believed that God could give her a child, but she made a promise to him, there and then, that when that promise had manifested in her life, she would give it back to him. The very thing she wanted above all else, the very thing her heart had been aching for for so long, the very thing her desires had been set upon...she would give away. This is not just a prayer of faith, but an act of sacrifice.A few days ago I sat nursing Hugo and this story entered my mind. The chapter goes on to say that Hannah waited until Samuel was weaned before she took him back to that very temple where she would leave him to work with Eli the high priest and serve God. In a sense, it may have been easier to give him away the minute he was born. But Hannah nursed him for years (1 Sam 1:22, 26). I know personally how much I love nursing Hugo. I absolutely cherish every moment of it. It is such a beautiful time of bonding and growing together - the smiles, the loving looks into my eyes, the little hand stroking my face and the priceless chatter in between feeds. It is a deeply intimate encounter with one another that intensifies our relationship and glues us together in ways that nothing else can. As I nursed Hugo a few days ago, the thought of having to give him up now - literally hand him over to God - shook me to the depth of my heart. I don't know that I could do it! I honestly don't know that I could give up this very thing that my heart and soul has yearned for for so long. This creation that I hold in my arms and nourish and grow. This little personality that is developing before my very eyes. Hannah nursed Samuel for years (1 Sam 1:26). That is a LONG TIME to build a relationship, to bond together, to come to know one another so profoundly! Like I said, I think it would be somewhat 'easier' for her to have given up the child at birth, BEFORE they had this chance to bond.God expects sacrifice from us. And it means exactly that, a sacrifice! It has to hurt. We have to feel the loss. It has to effect us in some way. It's easy to give away something we are not attached to, but to give away the one thing in our life that means the very most to us is the essence of true sacrifice. Now, I am not advocating that we all go and drop our firstborn a on the doorstep of our local church (although I'm sure we've all experienced some arsenic hours when we would LOVE to do just that!), but I am asking us to reflect upon our level of sacrifice and what we are REALLY giving to God in our life. Hannah's sacrifice challenged my faith. It challenged my love for God. After everything we went through to conceive this child, to now hold him in our arms, to nurse him, to watch him develop day by day and grow into the beautiful little boy that he is now...would I have the capacity to truly give that very desire of my heart back to God?The amazing thing about God in all of his goodness and faithfulness is that he always, ALWAYS has good things in store for those who love and obey him (Jer 29:11; Rom 8:28). Hannah in her faithfulness and obedience did give the very thing she desired more than anything back to God in an act of faith, obedience and sacrifice. But guess what? God then went on to give her MORE than she ever asked for, she went on to have seven children (1 Sam 2:5)! How good is God?! Remember, we can never out-give God. Whatever we give to him, he always has something better for us. Yes, he wants us to feel the loss, to feel the sacrifice, to feel the gap...but he will fill that gap! He will fill it beyond our wildest dreams - above and beyond anything we could ever imagine (Eph 3:20).I had a desire for a baby. I held on to this desire for more than four years, I cherished it in my heart. I trusted God that I would one day become a mother. I knew in faith, deep, deep down, that I would one day hold my very own child. Not only did God deliver on his promise and faithfulness, but I have been blessed with a baby that is beyond my wildest dreams! I didn't even think babies like this existed! Hugo is so full of joy and peace and brings us more delight than I could have ever imagined. God has definitely gone above and beyond in my life...and I am faithfully believing for a whole brood of my own little chickens.