A Journey to Conception

A key reason I felt led to create a blog was to continually share the journey, revelations and breakthroughs that my husband and I experienced over our four year struggle to conceive. In hindsight (and as I hold my beautiful little 16 month old Hugo James in my arms) it is easy to quote "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28 NIV), and I do totally, 100% agree with that and have seen it become a reality in my life. But in the absolute midst of despair and desperation, in times where doubt and disbelief started knocking on our door, it was difficult and almost torturous to remember that no matter what happened, God was going to use our experience to bless, encourage, inspire and support others on similar journeys.Although I have touched on it in past posts, there are some major elements that I have been dying to share but have felt like a bit of a dog-on-a-leash, being held back until the right time. Lately I have felt released and inspired to begin sharing some of the most pivotal lessons we learnt and grew in: faith, joy and hope. How on earth, through infertility staring us in the face and multiple miscarriages could we grow in faith, joy and hope??? Well, before I talk about faith in my next post, I want to give a bit of a background into our journey.One thing I have always dreamt of and desired after is to be a mother! That may seem like a fairly common role to aspire to, after all, don't most women become mothers? Of course, I have other aspirations for my life too - personal goals, dreams and visions - but I would throw all of these away if it meant experiencing motherhood and being given the opportunity to bring fresh, innocent life into this world, into my care to shape, mould, build, encourage and grow into independent, strong, confident, passionate, God loving, world changing human beings! After marrying young and waiting a few years as planned, my husband Gavin and I finally felt like 'it was time' to start a family.We knew it probably wouldn't happen straight away, a few months of trying give or take. But we never would have imagined that we were about to face over four years of struggle before we eventually held that little life in our arms. It's one of those things that you never think will happen to you, but as the months went on, that sinking feeling deep down in my heart began to creep its way into my mind and thoughts. What if we can't have children?Having said that, the very first month we tried we did actually conceive. I'll never forget those two clear lines staring back at us on the test! We couldn't believe it!!! We were going to become parents! Everything was about to change and we were unbelievably excited! But that excitement didn't last long. Days even. The pain came in like a torrent and flushed away all of our joy and hope. Crushed, we still believed and continued to try. But weeks and months went by. Later in that year we experienced the fleeting hope yet again...the joy of the positive test, only to have it slip through our fingers like fine sand, gone again before we could fully grasp it.As hope began to dissipate we were finally able to be seen by medical practitioners. We underwent all the tests and physicals, only to be told that there were no medical reasons why neither of us could conceive. In fact, we were both in optimal health and fertility! Well, that kind of confused the situation really. At least if a medical reason for all of this was discovered we could do something to rectify it. But being in peak physical condition and having nothing to 'fix' meant that this situation was outside of our hands.This information solidified what we were already thinking. It was in God's hands and the gift that came so easily to most others would be something that we would have to passionately fight for. During this time we were putting our faith and hope in God. We were believing and praying and declaring his Word over our life. Little did we know that there were still another three years of waiting and in this time the pain would get so much worse and our hearts break further and a dark desperation set in in our spirits longing for the one thing that seemed to come so easily to everyone around us.That was definitely one of the most difficult aspects of trying to fall pregnant - watching everyone around us receive this amazing gift! During this time we had an abundance of friends conceive and deliver beautiful babies. Of course we were full of joy for them, but every cuddle we had with each little freshie tweaked that string in our heart longing to be able to hold our own one day and look into the eyes of our perfect creation. We knew people who had 2-3 kids in the time we were trying to just have one! We knew people who fell pregnant on their honeymoons, who accidentally fell pregnant while using contraception, who were adament they didn'tbwant children but then fell pregnant, people who fell pregnant on one night stands, and hardest of all, friends who had abortions because of unwanted pregnancies. Any situation you could think of, we knew people in it! It really truly seemed like anyone and everyone around us could fall pregnant just by looking at each other. Everyone except for us.Countless nights were spent cuddled up on the lounge crying over glasses of red wine and blocks of dark chocolate, just asking ourselves why? Why us? Why not us? Countless conversations sitting in the warm breeze of cafe windows dreaming about our future children. What would their names be? What would they look like? Will they have Gavin's blue eyes? My dark hair? What will their little personalities be like? As much pain as this brought, it was also very cathartic and kept us focused on our desire.I have to mention, amidst all of this pain, amidst the years that came and went, amidst the miscarriages and losses I always knew that we would become parents. I don't know if it was the faith that God had instilled in me right from the start, or the countless prophecies we received from people who didn't even know us or our situation, or simply just trust in God's goodness, faithfulness and his Word. Although Gavin's experience and journey here is different from mine, I never once doubted that we wouldn't have children. In my mind, it was just a matter of 'when'. How many more years would we have to wait? Five? Eight? Ten years? That pain killed me to the core.For this reason we only shared this journey with a few select people. Very select! The only people we could share such precious pearls with we're those who had experienced or were experiencing the same thing, and those who were full of faith and wisdom. We didn't even share it with most of our family and close friends. It's not that we were hiding anything or keeping secrets, but to be honest, we didn't want the pity or the pressure. We didn't want people to feel sorry for us, or to feel awkward around us because they didn't know what to do or say. We didn't want the pressure of questions and suggestions of "Have you tried this? Has your doctor done this?" Or worse, the continual "Are you pregnant yet? Are you pregnant yet?" No doubt this would have been all very well meaning and out of love and concern for us, but we actually felt like we had it under control. Well, you know, not the situation itself, but we had ourselves under control. We were living in hope and believe and walking in faith.As time continued ticking over and a few more false starts along the way, we pushed towards the end of the fourth year of trying to fall pregnant. What God did in us and through us in the final year seemed to be like ten years worth of growth and maturity! Perhaps it was because we were on the verge of our breakthrough, but we had so many life lessons and revelations and grew in faith, joy and hope in unfathomable ways. Believe it or not, these three things were heavily solidified in our life in what was going to be our final and most horrible miscarriage. Over the next three posts I'm going to share this experience and these three things in depth - faith, joy and hope - because they really each deserve their own platform. Stay tuned for my next post on Faith for Fertility!