Faith to Move Mountains

I'm so thrilled to finally be discussing one of my all time favorite topics and something that I feel so called to overflow in throughout my life ... FAITH! In my previous post I began sharing about the four year journey my husband Gavin and I voyaged before we held our son, Hugo James, in our arms for the very first time. Read about it here if you haven't already, as this post follows hot on its heels. Today I want to share about how our faith grew through this particular experience. Although the foundations of faith were already laid in our life, it was through these years of trying to fall pregnant that really took it to a whole other level. And believe it or not, the pivotal point for me personally was actually through the grief and loss of our final miscarriage. Coming toward the end of our fourth year of trying, and having had a few false starts along the way, I was already significantly late, but having been hurt in the past and knowing that just because the two lines appeared on the test didn't mean it would necessarily last, I was fearfully hesitant of doing yet another test only to have my hopes crushed. But the days went on and still nothing! As hopeful anticipation grew, we embarked on territory we had never stepped foot on before...we were by far the furthest along we had ever been than any of the previous pregnancies!The reality of it had finally set in and we cautiously allowed ourselves to start talking about it with one another and referring to the little life growing inside. We shared with one or two couples who were covering us in prayer (and joy and excitement!). I had scriptures up all over the house reminding me, increasing my faith and allowing me to read out and declare over my body and this baby. This was it! This was finally it! As difficult as it was, I apprehensively allowed my heart to open and accept that this baby was here to stay.One afternoon at work I was feeling a little off. Not nauseous or morning sickness, but just not myself and exhausted. I took the afternoon off and headed home to rest. I remember sitting in bed reading up on how big the little bubba was now, what development occurred this week, what was going on inside of me as this little being grew. That night as I slept I kept being woken by tweaks of pain. In my semi-conscious/in-between-sleep-and-wakefulness state I felt doubt rise up in me as the pain grew throughout the night. I attempted to battle it with prayer and declaration as much as my sleepiness allowed.As the morning light rose through the bedroom, so did the pain through my body. I lay there in the early hours of the morning, dreading getting out of bed for fear of what I might see. It was probably denial, because I just had that feeling that I had felt too many times before. As Gavin hopped into the shower to get ready for work I finally made the anxious trip to the bathroom. With tears in my eyes and my heart pounding in nervousness I looked down to see exactly what I was dreading. There was so much blood and it just kept coming. Previous miscarriages had been a lot 'simpler' but this one was traumatic, violent and confronting. Gavin and I spent that devastating morning lying on the cold bathroom floor together as we said goodbye to yet another little life. I couldn't control the emotion or tears this time. This was by far the most difficult and devastating experience. Why? WHY? Why me? Why us? Why this little one? When will we ever carry full term? When will we ever deliver a happy, healthy baby? I was over it. Just over it. I didn't have a single ounce of anything left in me any more. Or so I thought.After the torture and grief of that one day and all that followed, the rest of my week was surprisingly peaceful. I don't know what it was, but I had something come over me that was outside of my control. It took over me - my heart, mind, spirit, body - my entire being. It was a sense of peace, of contentment. I experienced joy in the despair. But most of all, I had this depth of hope and adamant faith. Faith rose up within me like never before. I don't know what God did exactly in this experience, but it was as though I grew in one week what would take ten years in the natural. Having just experienced our darkest hour, I had felt like I had finally given up on everything, yet my faith was now at a peak, miles beyond where it had ever been before. Perhaps that was it - perhaps I needed to give up the striving in the flesh so that the grace of God could come in and take over, having had finally surrendered in my own strength and humanness.That Sunday at church a message was preached that was just for us. You know, the ones where the preacher must have known exactly what you went through that week and had a personal message from God directly for you and no one else? Well, that's exactly what we felt like!Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Sarah’s womb. Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.(Romans 4:18-21 NLT)Although this had been a scripture that I had clung to in the past, it took on a whole new significance this Sunday. In the flesh and in the reasoning of the world, we had no reason for hope. We had been trying for four years. We had experienced too many miscarriages. There was nothing the medical system could do for us because there was nothing medically 'wrong.' We were both pushing on in age (albeit far from 100!) and the odds were starting to stack up against us. We weren't contenders for IVF because we didn't physically fall into that pool of need. Hope was against us. Yet...we kept hoping! We knew that God had given us a promise, no - a command! - that we would be fruitful. We had received too many visions, too many words, too many prophesies to lose hope. We kept believing, despite what the circumstances around us were saying. And let's get real here, our situation was much less extreme than Abraham and Sarah's. Yet despite their extreme circumstances, they did not waver in hope, in fact, their faith INCREASED.In the natural, the more time that passes, the more failings we experience, our hope generally dissipates as time goes on. But the exact opposite happened for Abraham. The more time that went on, the more his faith and hope increased. This concept had never had such a powerful impact on me until that week. Despite trying for soooo long, despite the failings of months of nothing happening or worse, months of losses, despite the greatest loss we had just gone through....my faith had somehow increased. I had more faith, more than I could ever imagine. I had more hope in God, more expectation, more confident assurance than ever before. I can't explain it. It's nothing I did or even chose to believe, it just happened in me. The Spirit of God deposited something deep within that gave me absolute certainty that what he had said would come true.

The Spirit of God deposited something deep withinthat gave me absolute certaintythat what he had said would come true.

I just want to take a moment here to touch on something which I believe can disguise itself as faith, and that is denial. How can the two possibly be mixed up, or one mistaken for the other?! Sometimes it's easy to believe in our heads. We read the Word and 'know' it is truth. Looking back over my life I can see a few times where I 'believed' the truth in my head, yet because my heart was so devastated or carrying so much grief, disappointment, doubt or despair, I don't think I could genuinely call it faith. Naive faith perhaps, probably based on hype and wishful thinking, which is not real faith at all. In these times (and I'm speaking about much earlier in my spiritual life, not so much the journey we walked through to fall pregnant) denial masked itself as faith. Although I believed in my head, that was where it finished. My head. Not my heart. I believed the so called 'theology' and 'doctrine', but these man-made perimeters proved to be simply that. Perimeters. Holding me back from the experience of the touch of the Holy Spirit. The real life touch and power of the living God would later shake these 'beliefs' until what was real and lasting was left, which often proved to be very little, or nothing at all. So, denial? Yep, in hindsight I can see that's what it really was. It was easier to 'believe in my head' even though my heart wasn't feeling it, and think it was 'faith' than to face the doubts and disbelief and actually work through them until I got to the core of why they were there in the first place. Denial keeps us from facing reality and searching deep into the pain and dealing with the ugly truth or working through the pain, all the while convincing ourselves that we're 'walking in faith.'I don't know that I've explained myself too well here, I could probably write volumes on this, but I just feel that I need to put out a caution when writing about faith, as too often I've seen this same kind of 'faith' on display, only for the 'faithful' to never receive their promise, causing them to question God, his word, and his love, goodness and faithfulness. He isn't defined by our limited experience - our experience needs to be defined by him. His truth, his character and his lasting word. If we're not experiencing it, then we need to pursue him until his word is manifest in our life. This hungry, unswerving, flint-faced pursuit is the growth of faith - real, life-changing, heaven-opening, God-pleasing faith. And it is through this pursuit of seeking who God says he is above our limited, earthly experiences that positions us to move even the greatest mountains we face in our life.

He isn't defined by our limited experience -our experience needs to be defined by him.

So, as the preaching ended that Sunday and as people started piling out of the seats around us, we just sat there. No words needed. We both knew what each other was thinking. I remember standing together in the empty pews, the music fading, the lights gradually flicking off as the final murmurs of conversations left the auditorium. We were just standing there, embraced in each others arms, tears of healing, tears of joy, tears of hope, tears of faith. We lifted our arms to the heavens and praised God! We stood there alone, praying, praising, thanking, worshipping in the thick and powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. God did something in us in that moment. Not just in our spirits, but in our bodies. I believe that surge of unbelievable faith kicked our bodies into gear. It was like we needed that faith to get us over the edge, and the breakthrough was ours then and there. Not yet in the physical, but it was released from heaven and it was most definitely ours.I remember walking out of that church service like a new person. I felt older. In a good way. Wiser. Experienced beyond my years. I felt like the heavens had opened up above us and overflowed upon us, in us and through us, touching us, transforming us. I walked out with a thousand-fold increase of faith, and then some!I knew. I knew, I just knew, that we were about to fall pregnant and give brith to our first born. Although all hope was against us, I had hope. I had faith. I believe God. I believed his promise and his word. I was absolutely 100% convinced that he would do what he had promised and bless us with children. To cut a very long story short...we conceived four weeks later and gave birth to our promised child in May 2013. Four years, five months and three days after we had started trying. God.Is.Faithful.This painful and long journey that we walked has been invaluable in our life. It has set us up to believe for even greater things, things that I never would have imaged were available to us, let alone that I would actually see manifest in our life. And I believe we haven't even seen the beginning of it yet! The lessons we learnt, the faith that grew in us and solidified into our foundations has built a higher and stronger platform for God to come and flaunt his goodness, love, power and glory on. This faith has overflowed into all areas of our life and it has really truly taught us that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. Absolutely nothing. I don't care what you are facing, what experiences you have walked through, what is in your future, nothing is impossible for those who believe (Mark 9:23).Just as Abraham's faith did not weaken; just as Abraham's faith did not waver; just as Abraham kept hoping against all hope; kept believing, kept holding on to God's word and God's promises...so must we! Because guess what? God cannot be unfaithful to his promise! It's impossible for him to go against his character. If he says it, it will be. Our responsibility in the vacuum between what God has said and seeing it fulfilled in our life, is to believe - to cling to his word and trust in him! And as we do, our faith increases, and just like Abraham we can be certain that God will do what he has said he will do.

Our responsibility in the vacuum between what God has said and seeing it fulfilled in our life, is to believe.

God's word is truth - his written Word and his spoken Word. Believe it, meditate upon it, declare it out loud repeatedly, and even remind him of it in your prayers! This practice - over days, weeks, months, years - will really truly increase your faith. Whatever you are believing for in your life, whatever your mountain is, whatever is impossible in the natural - do as Abraham did, and hold on, unwavering, to what God has said, because his word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11)!