Joy in Despair

Continuing on from my last two posts of our journey to conception (which you can read about here and here!), today I want to talk about joy. It may seem a little odd to comprehend why I would be talking about joy in a story of loss, pain, desperation and suffering, but if anything, it was joy that got me through each and every step of the way throughout the four years, and through the devastating losses. It was joy that gave me the strength to go on and to remain full of faith and hope.On the day of our last miscarriage I probably experienced one of the most devastating, depressing and tragic moments of my life. We had been the furthest along in this pregnancy than we had ever been before. Leading up to this day I had such an excitement and certainty that this was it - this was our time, our season, this was the baby that would be born and held in our arms. It's easy to say that I was full of joy! The moment we had been waiting for was finally here after after almost four years of trying. But this isn't the joy I'm talking about.This miscarriage came out of nowhere. One day I was feeling fine, the next morning I woke up to my worst nightmare. I will never forget that moment as we sat in the bathroom in absolute devastation and disbelief. The tears I cried that day were like nothing I've ever felt before. The tears and anguish came from the depth of my soul and spirit. My cry wasn't a sweet and delicate little whimper, but an absolute gut-wrenching, agonising groan. It felt like something or someone had reached into my heart and soul and tore out the most significant thing to me. Words just cannot describe the devastation and pain I felt that morning. I was numb. It felt like a dream...just desperate to wake up and find out that it wasn't really my reality.I spent the day with my beautifully empathic cousin - chatting, praying, crying, sitting in silence and eating plenty of chocolate. That night when Gavin came home from work we could barely speak. We just sat together, holding one another, wrapped up in a numb cocoon of shock and tragedy. That day marked one of the worst days of my life. Pain worse than I had ever experienced before. Devastation more agonising than words can describe. Yet, despite these drastic circumstances, there was something in me that was creeping up to the surface of my spirit throughout the day, and by evening, found itself manifest in my heart, mind and soul - JOY!

Yet, despite these drastic circumstances, there was something in me that was creeping up to the surface of my spirit throughout the day, and by evening, found itself manifestin my heart, mind and soul - JOY!

I had joy! In fact, it was this joy that physically, emotionally and spiritually got me through that day, that week, that month. It was joy that gave me the strength to go on. Joy gave me the hope to keep believing that I will fall pregnant. Joy increased my faith to believe that I will be holding my promised child in my arms...soon. I had unexplainable joy.It's so important to differentiate between joy and happiness. Joy is not happiness. Was I happy that day? Absolutely not! I was devastated. But joy supercedes happiness. It's not a feeling or an emotion like happiness is. It is not dependent upon circumstances or positive thoughts or good things. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). And the only way we can bear fruit is to have the root deep within us. When the Spirit is present in our life and deep within our spirit and heart, then his fruit will be evident. An apple tree doesn't bear bananas, and likewise you can't grow a crop without planting a seed, it has to come from somewhere. We can't create the fruit of the Spirit within our lives, only the Spirit himself can manifest it in us and through us.The Word says that 'the Joy of The Lord is your strength' (Nehemiah 8:10). Throughout the Bible we have many examples of people whose strength was the joy of the Lord, particularly through their darkest and most difficult moments in their life. The Apostle Paul and King David are two of my favourites and inspirations in this way. Throughout their stories we can see their deep and heartfelt joy in the midst of absolute despair, pain and suffering. It was in these lowest points where they were able to call upon the Lord and declare his goodness and joy as their strength. In a sense, we can only know true joy through pain. It's easy to have 'joy' when everything's good and life's a breeze, but it's authenticity is only proven when things aren't so chirpy.Such joy is supernatural...because it is completely unnatural to experience joy amidst such pain and tragedy. How did David know such joy when he was in the pit of despair? How did Paul find joy in suffering? How could Jesus walk towards his death with joy? How could I have felt such joy in such a tragic moment? How can you know genuine joy when you are walking through your darkest circumstance? Certainly not by mere human emotions or positive self-talk. Only through the supernatural power of the living God who, by his Spirit living in and at work within us, produces things not of this world but of heaven itself. This joy gives us strength to go on. It infuses determination in us to push through and overcome. It gives us hope and builds us up to keep believing in faith, despite our circumstances and suffering. How? Because this joy is of the Lord...it is his joy, not ours, and his joy is our strength. God has a bottomless well of joy available to us from which we can continually draw from.

God has a bottomless well of joy available to usfrom which we can continually draw from.

The funny thing is that in the year leading up to this moment, God had really been doing a work in me in the area of joy. He was teaching me about and increasing my joy in the everyday mundaneness of life. He had been refining me and deepening me and strengthening me and showing me that my joy was not dependent upon 'good' and 'happy' things in my life. He had been developing me to a point where I believe I was able to handle this particular situation the way I did because the joy of the Lord was already my strength.Had I not been compliant with his leading and discipline in this area in the previous months, who knows how much worse this experience could have been. Depression, illness, recluse from family and friends, who knows. But I believe because I had submitted to his leading and willingly allowed him to mould and shape me in this way, I already had the strength to be able to handle it the way I did. I didn't make a cognitive choice to feel joy on that day - it just came from within; it was just there. I just felt it. It was the fruit of the Spirit, his work in me and his presence in my life, his roots deep, deep down and springing forth to bear fruit. It was supernatural - nothing could conjure it up in my own human strength.

I didn't make a cognitive choice to feel joy on that day - it just came from within; it was just there.

When we allow the Holy Spirit into our lives - and, more importantly, when we submit to his leading, moving, teaching, shaping and moulding - we are overcome by the supernatural things of heaven...not our humanness or earthly circumstances. When we surrender to him and what he is trying to develop in our lives - when we trust him and allow him to have control - he is able to produce fruit within us that is beyond human capabilities and striving - strength that is not of this world; unexplainable in earthly terms.I don't believe this 'world' can truly experience joy without God. Good feelings perhaps, happiness to an extent, but not true, genuine joy. Jesus says that joy belongs to and comes from him - he is joy - we will be filled with his joy and that joy will overflow (John 15:11). Going through all that we experienced on our four year journey to conceive, I can honestly say that I don't know how people get through life without the intimacy, presence and love of the living God. I can't even bear to think what my life would be like without his presence, peace and power. I don't know who I would be today, or if I would still be married or sane, or even here to share this. I do not know how people get through tragic experiences and devastating circumstance, much much worse than anything we went through.Our relationship with God isn't limited to salvation or a ticket into heaven. As wonderful as that is, that is merely the beginning of this amazing journey. As we grow in him, as the Spirit teaches and reveals the secrets of heaven, as he transforms our life from glory to glory, we grow and develop in all kinds of ways. We live not in ways of this world, but of heaven itself - on earth as in heaven (Matt 6:10). There is an inheritance available to us that we must activate in our lives. There are endless spiritual resources for us to draw upon. We don't do this life in our own strength, but in the strength of the God of the Universe!!!

There is an inheritance available to usthat we must activate in our lives.There are endless spiritual resourcesfor us to draw upon.

Whatever your journey, whatever your circumstances, whatever your trials, tragedies, temptations, whatever you are going through right now...the joy of the Lord can be your strength. Not your joy, not joy you have to try and conjure up, but the overflowing, life-giving, abundant, endless joy of the Lord can be your strength that gets you through whatever you are walking through right now. And as you draw upon that joy in your life, you can also walk in the hope of heaven...which will be my fourth and final instalment of these posts on our journey to conception. Watch this space for more!